Wrote my first song

[vegitoth]

Sorry I haven't been here much but my mind was out of this site and out of gameshows. But I'm here to show you folks my first song that I wrote for a poetry assignment at school. It's called Repairing a Shattered Soul. Please tell me if it's a good piece of work.

Repairing a Shattered Soul
Seth Millis

She sits in a chair in an empty room
Looking out through a window screen
Thinking of the things she has been through in her life

No one to love her No one to comfort her
Hating all of the things
That the people usually see in her

Walking out of her door leaving the empty room
Going about her everyday life
She is one person who has a shattered soul

He stands near his truck in front of an old house
feeling no emotions no laughter in his voice
tired of his being not wanting to live any more
Storming out of his place he goes to someone
Who understands him and what he's going through
Inside his shattered soul

She stands outside her window in a balcony
Watching the river flow and the sun hanging low
Paying no attention to anything going on around her

She just stood there motionless
Like a lifeless puppet
With tears in her eyes
Blinded by the violence

He stares at her in complete shock Wondering what became of her
While moving into her arms she breaks down on his shoulder

He whispers a question Stopping her cry
She lifted her head looking at a face and hearing a voice
That was so familiar to her

One another had a great desire withing each other
And with just one kiss a night of love began

Lying on her bed they held each other
Very close to one another in a peaceful slumber
Now the steps in repairing a shattered soul
Will be in the two lovers for eternity

[whoserman]

Not bad! Is it set to melody?

[barneyg]

Not a bad story... but it doesn't rhyme, nor does it have a steady meter.

[whoserman]

barneyg said:

Not a bad story... but it doesn't rhyme, nor does it have a steady meter.

So?

What I think I'd do with this song is write a chorus that does rhyme and does have meter. This can be sung. In between choruses, the verses can just be spoken.

That's not uncommon, either. Two examples of this are Glen Campbell's "Fate of Man" and Roger Whittaker's "Here We Stand."

[vegitoth]

whoserman90 said:

barneyg said:

Not a bad story... but it doesn't rhyme, nor does it have a steady meter.

So?

What I think I'd do with this song is write a chorus that does rhyme and does have meter. This can be sung. In between choruses, the verses can just be spoken.

That's not uncommon, either. Two examples of this are Glen Campbell's "Fate of Man" and Roger Whittaker's "Here We Stand."

Well do you think you can help me out with this thing because I've been wanting some help.

[whoserman]

Well, I've been thinking about this the past day or so. I'm pretty tone deaf, and melody is not my forte, but I could see what I could do. How can I help?

[vegitoth]

Simply get this song right so it can rhyme and try to think of a chorus. Music part you dont have to do I got a family member who composes music

[whoserman]

I honestly think that it doesn't have to rhyme to be good. I'll work on a chorus however.

[whoserman]

Ok, I got a chorus for you. I'd put it in the song, and reword the song, as follows...

(sung:)
Life has more important things
Than necklaces and rings.
In truth, there is no greater goal
Than repairing a shattered soul.

(spoken:)
She sits in a chair in an empty room
Looking out through a window screen
Thinking of the things she has been through in her life

No one to love her
No one to comfort her
Hating all of the things that the people see in her

Walking out of her door
Leaving the empty room
Going about her everyday life
She is one person with a shattered soul

(sung:)
Life has more important things
Than necklaces and rings.
In truth, there is no greater goal
Than repairing a shattered soul.

(spoken:)
He stands near his truck
In front of an old house
Feeling no emotions
No laughter in his voice
Tired of his being
Not wanting to live anymore

Storming out of his place he goes to someone
Someone who understands him and what he's going through
Inside his shattered soul

(sung:)
Life has more important things
Than necklaces and rings.
In truth, there is no greater goal
Than repairing a shattered soul.

(spoken:)
She stands outside her window in a balcony
Watching the river flow, and the sun hanging low
Paying no attention to anything going on around her

She just stands there motionless
Like a lifeless puppet, with tears in her eyes
Blinded by the violence

He stares at her in shock
Wondering what became of her
As he holds her, she breaks down on his shoulder

He whispers a question
And stops her cry
She lifts her head
Looking at a face
And hearing a voice that was so familiar to her

They had a great desire
Just being together
And with just one kiss a night of love began

Lying on her bed they held each other
Close to one another in a peaceful slumber
Now the steps in repairing a shattered soul
Will be in the two lovers for eternity.

(sung:)
Once you find your amour,
The one you adore,
Then you'll know you've reached that goal
And repaired your shattered soul.

You've repaired your shattered soul.


What do you think?

[vegitoth]

very good I should print this out. But here's a question who do you think fits this song. In my opinion George Strait fits in with this song perfectly.

[whoserman]

Oh, good lord. I have no idea. I would imagine someone with a low, sultry voice...Someone like Roger Whittaker or someone.